man visits Chinese friend dying in a hospital..
friend says: "I TA GUAE YONG KHEE!"
....and dies...
Man goes to China to find the meaning of
friend's last words:
"YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!"
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A chinese couple was about to have their first baby. When the baby
was
born, the eyes
were big, the hair are curly and the skin was brown. So the chinese
father
named the baby "SAM TING RONG"!!!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Buhay Babae
Mahirap Buhay ng babae...
Umaga - Laba damit
Tanghali - Sampay damit
Hapon - Tiklop damit
Hating gabi - hubad damit
Madaling araw - hanap damit
Umaga - Laba damit
Tanghali - Sampay damit
Hapon - Tiklop damit
Hating gabi - hubad damit
Madaling araw - hanap damit
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Mr and Mrs
Lasing o hindi?
MRS : Bakit ngayon ka lang?
MR : Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang. Hehe! Hik,
MRS: Lasing ka no?
MR: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik
MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?
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Zorro
Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: E ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino ‘yun?
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs
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Mrs: tama na yang beer mo masyado ka magastos.
Mr: ikaw, makeup mo mas magastos.
Mrs: nagpapaganda ko para sa yo.
Mr: ako umiinom para gumanda ka!
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Mr: Malamig na sinangag, matabang na kape, maalat na sabaw, paano ka ba naman gaganahan nito?
Mrs: MAASIM NA ITLOG, MALAMBOT NA *ITI, MALAKING TYAN, KALA MO BA GINAGANAHAN AKO ?! TSE!!!
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Mrs: Gusto kong magpadagdag ng boobs..
Mr: Ha! Di ba masagwa yon... magiging tatlo!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr: "Asensado na talaga ang anak natin sa US . Ito, nagpadala ng picture, nakasandal sa kotse. Basahin mo nga ang nakasulat sa likod."
Mrs: teka, ito nakasulat "Inay, nagpapasalamat ako, kasi, kung hindi dahil sa kotse na ito, natumba na ako sa sobrang gutom."
MRS : Bakit ngayon ka lang?
MR : Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang. Hehe! Hik,
MRS: Lasing ka no?
MR: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik
MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?
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Zorro
Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: E ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino ‘yun?
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs
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Mrs: tama na yang beer mo masyado ka magastos.
Mr: ikaw, makeup mo mas magastos.
Mrs: nagpapaganda ko para sa yo.
Mr: ako umiinom para gumanda ka!
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Mr: Malamig na sinangag, matabang na kape, maalat na sabaw, paano ka ba naman gaganahan nito?
Mrs: MAASIM NA ITLOG, MALAMBOT NA *ITI, MALAKING TYAN, KALA MO BA GINAGANAHAN AKO ?! TSE!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs: Gusto kong magpadagdag ng boobs..
Mr: Ha! Di ba masagwa yon... magiging tatlo!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr: "Asensado na talaga ang anak natin sa US . Ito, nagpadala ng picture, nakasandal sa kotse. Basahin mo nga ang nakasulat sa likod."
Mrs: teka, ito nakasulat "Inay, nagpapasalamat ako, kasi, kung hindi dahil sa kotse na ito, natumba na ako sa sobrang gutom."
Paru Parong Bukid Sung By an American High School Choir
fun and amazing video for the Filipinos out there!
Filipino/English to Japanese translations
Japanese translations:
Mamaya - Sakana
Joke - Biru
Stereo - Akai
Cook - Giza-giza
Manok - Sekken
Ayos - Furo oke
Fingernail - Koko
Laughed - Anata-wa
Small piece of cloth - Retasu
Cornfield - Mais-san
Hindi Masyado - Natsu
This - Itto
Cigarette - Yoshi
Ipagpaumanhin - Kamisori
Is this your property? - Arimoto?
Is this yours? - Sayobato?
This is mine. - Sakinitu.
Yes, this is my property.- Arikoto.
Can I have it? - Akinato?
You can have it. - Sayonato.
Can we have it? - Saminato?
You can have it. - Sanyonato
We saw each other. - Kitakami.
We had a big get-together. - Kitakitakami.
That was my assumption. - Inakarako.
We will boycott the election. - Kaminoboto.
Are you a victim of discrimination? - Minamatakaba?
Ouch! - Haraiku!
What a sad life it is. - Hainaku.
Is this your car? - Otomoto?
I give up. - Sukonako.
Is this your noodles? - Mikimoto?
I'll take this. - Kukuninkoto.
This is my desk. - Itodesko.
Is this my car? - Otokoto?
Speechless? - Wasabe?
An ampalaya (bittermelon) - Kurukurubot
Are you playing the guitar? - Gigitaraka?
Is this your underwear? - Jakeemoto?
I am thinking. - Munimuniko.
You're crazy!!! - Sirauromo!!!
What are your thoughts? - Kuru-kuromo?
Are you annoyed already? - Iniskanabane?
You've grown so thin! - Kitanabutomo!
Mamaya - Sakana
Joke - Biru
Stereo - Akai
Cook - Giza-giza
Manok - Sekken
Ayos - Furo oke
Fingernail - Koko
Laughed - Anata-wa
Small piece of cloth - Retasu
Cornfield - Mais-san
Hindi Masyado - Natsu
This - Itto
Cigarette - Yoshi
Ipagpaumanhin - Kamisori
Is this your property? - Arimoto?
Is this yours? - Sayobato?
This is mine. - Sakinitu.
Yes, this is my property.- Arikoto.
Can I have it? - Akinato?
You can have it. - Sayonato.
Can we have it? - Saminato?
You can have it. - Sanyonato
We saw each other. - Kitakami.
We had a big get-together. - Kitakitakami.
That was my assumption. - Inakarako.
We will boycott the election. - Kaminoboto.
Are you a victim of discrimination? - Minamatakaba?
Ouch! - Haraiku!
What a sad life it is. - Hainaku.
Is this your car? - Otomoto?
I give up. - Sukonako.
Is this your noodles? - Mikimoto?
I'll take this. - Kukuninkoto.
This is my desk. - Itodesko.
Is this my car? - Otokoto?
Speechless? - Wasabe?
An ampalaya (bittermelon) - Kurukurubot
Are you playing the guitar? - Gigitaraka?
Is this your underwear? - Jakeemoto?
I am thinking. - Munimuniko.
You're crazy!!! - Sirauromo!!!
What are your thoughts? - Kuru-kuromo?
Are you annoyed already? - Iniskanabane?
You've grown so thin! - Kitanabutomo!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Classic University Jokes Part1
PAALALA: This jokes are not meant to insult and offend. Katuwaan lang po.So Peace tayo guys! Have fun!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exam
La Salle Student: Hahaha Tuition fee nyo, baon lang namen, ang poor nyo naman
UP Student: Hahaha ano ngayon??? Final Exams nyo Seatwork lang namin
------------------------------------------------------------------------
La Sallite #1: If you can tell me how many chickens I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them.
La Sallite #2: Uh, two?
La Sallite #1: Daya mo! You peeked!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tatlong Magkaka-brakada: a La Sallite, a UPian, and an Atenean went on a hunting trip.
The first night, the guy from UP comes back to the cabin with a big deer. The others ask him how he did it, and he cooly replies: "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!"
The next night, the guy from Ateneo comes back also with a big deer. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!" was the Atenean's story.
So the La Sallite decides to try it himself. But the next night, as he drags himself back to the cabin, his two companions find him bruised and bloody all over. "What happened?" they ask?
"Well," replies the La Sallite, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! A train hit me."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do Lasallites count to ten?
-- One, two, three, another, another, another ...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Things We Learn in Grade School
Chance had it that an Atenean and a La Sallite were peeing in the Men's Room at the same time. The Atenean finished first and after a quick shake, zipped up and was about to quickly exit.
The La Sallite finished peeing immediately after, approached the sink, turned on the faucet, started to wash his hands and hurriedly shot a remark at the departing Atenean - "You must be an Atenean!"
The Atenean replied, "Why yes... You're right... But aside from the obvious markings on my jacket, how did you know?"
To which, the La Sallite answered rather haughtily, "I noticed - you didn't wash your hands after peeing. You see, we, La Sallites, were taught, very early in Grade School, to always wash our hands after we pee!"
And the Atenean replied somewhat sheepishly, "Oh... Well.. You see, we Ateneans were taught, very early in Grade School, never to pee in our hands..."
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Mahirap Ang Lahat
Sa UP, mahirap ang Math.
Sa Ateneo, mahirap ang English.
Sa La Salle, mahirap ang parking.
Sa Santa Isabel College, mahirap ang walang pera.
Sa UST, mahirap umuwi kapag baha.
Sa Adamson University, mahirap umuwi kahit anong oras.
Sa St. Scho, mahirap sumakay sa LRT
Sa San Beda, mahirap maging lalaki.
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Pasikatan ng Graduates
UP: A number of past Philippine presidents graduated from UP. Presidents oxas, Quirino, Laurel, Garcia and Marcos, to name just a few!
ATENEO: Hah! That's nothing, a number of Ateneo graduates became national heroes like Jose Rizal, Gen. Gregorio del Pilar, Gen. Antonio Luna, Evelio Javier and many others.
UP: That just goes to show you, UP graduates become presidents and lead countries while Ateneans end up getting shot!
LA SALLE: Wala 'yan. Talo kayo sa mga gradweyt namin!
UP & ATENEO: Bakit sino ba ang mga graduates ninyo?
LA SALLE: Aba! Marami kaming sikat na gradweyts; si Gary Valenciano, Dingdong Avanzado, Ogie Alcasid, Monsour del Rosario, Rico Yan . . .
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CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
A few days before Christmas, the Monsignor thought it would be a good idea if he solicited the support of a number of the Catholic Schools to get together to create a Nativity Scene in time for the Christmas Mass. The day before Christmas, the Monsignor discovered that the Nativity Scene was still incomplete so he made a few inquiries on why this was so
Ateneo reported it could come up with only two and not three wise men.
La Salle reported it couldn't come up with even a single wise man.
San Beda reported that it could only come up with three wise gays.
UP reported that they killed the three wise men.
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MAGIC MIRROR
There's a magic mirror but the thing is, if you lied, **kling** the mirror will instantly vanish you. Then there were 3 students (from UP, ADMU, DLSU) who passed by that mirror and decided to give it a shot just to see if it really works...
UP: I think UP students are not intelligent... **kling** ...and the student disappeared.
ADMU: I think Ateneo students are poor... **kling** ...and the student disappeared.
DLSU: (Proudly) I think... **kling** ...and the student disappeared.
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BUYING A PARROT
A La Sallite walks into a store and says: "Miss, I'd like a green parrot, please."
The salesgirl looks at him and asks: "Sir... are you a Lasallite by any chance?"
The La Sallite replies: "O... bakit mo naman natanong 'yan? If I asked for BLUE cheese, would you ask me if I were from Ateneo? I don't think so. If I bought a MAROON shirt, would you ask me if I were from UP? I think not. So why then, when I want to buy a GREEN parrot, you ask me if I'm from La Salle? Duh?"
"Sir... kasi naman..." replied the salesgirl, "this is a bookstore not a pet shop, eh."
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UST - "UP Sana Tayo."
DLSU - "Di Lumusot sa UPCAT"
AdMU - "Ang Daming Mali sa UPCAT"
UP - University of the Poor / University of Pila
PLM - Pamanatasan sa Likod ng Mapua
St. Paul- Sana Talaga Pumasa Ako UP, Lord (the best)
STI - Sampung Taong Istambay
- Sa Tabing Ilog
PSBA - Pagawaan ng Sapatos, Bakya atbp
- Parking space beside Ateneo
FEU- Far Employment Univesity
PMI- Pamantasan Malapit sa Ilog
PMA- Pahinga Muna Anak
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Pag nahuli ng pulis while driving
DLSU : Sorry sir, here's 500 pesos for the boys
ATENEO: Pasensya na sir, here's 200 pesos
UST : Bossing, pag-usapan na lang natin sa 100
UP : 50 pesos lang dala ko eh! Pwede na to!
AMA : Ano gusto nyo? Stork o Maxx?
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Mas gustong pinaguusapan
Ateneo : books
DLSU : showbiz
St. Scho : boys
San Beda : girls
AMA : kami na naman? STI naman.
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DLSU: taz
ADMU: bugs bunny
UP: sylvester
UST: tweety
FEU: porky pig
AMA: Marvin... and Jolina
STI: Antoinette Taus
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LaSalle: st. john baptist de la salle, pray for us....
Ateneo: st. ignatius, pray for us
San Sebastian: st.sebastian, pray for us
San Beda: st.benedict, st bede, pray for us/that in all things god may be glorified
JRU: our holy father national hero jose rizal?!?!?!
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After class:
CSB - tambay, punta sa kotse
Letran - punta mall, coffee break
Beda - tambay, review notes
Mapua - punta walls, pa cute cute
PCU - uwi agad, laba-laba
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Ateneo: My credit cards!!!
La Salle: My cash!!!
UP: Form 5 ko!!!
AMA: Pakshet! Yung picture ni Jolens!!!
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Gimik:
DLSU- abgs
ADMU- fatwillys
Beda- mars
CEU - padis
UST - chatterbox
AMA - di nyo kami maaapi ngayon sa hardrock kami! may concert si jolina!
beeh!
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LaSalle: PlayBoy
UST: Penthouse
SanBeda: UNO
Letran: Vogue
JRU: BALITANG TORO(sold under LRT stations)
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Maalaala mo kaya:
Dear Ate Charo,
It’s so hirap talaga to study in UP, the University of the Poor.You know, I never wanted to study here. But my parents kasi, they both went to UP and they said na it was the best school talaga.
Eh ‘di I went. But no! When I got here, Holy horrors! I was ready to make himatay after the first day pa lang.
Would you believe, there’s no aircon na nga in the classrooms, the fan doesn’t work pa. And then this guy who was like, wearing a sando, shorts and tsinelas lang made tabi next to me. He made pakilala pa! The nerve! So I made takbo to the CR to make tago. But I couldn’t make hugas my hands that were so pawis from escaping such a near-death experience. There was no liquid soap! Not even a couch where I could sit to make kikay. Do you feel my pain na ba?
But wait, there’s more. Last Thursday kasi Daddy’s Volvo was bawal, eh the Eclipse was being repaired, so I had to make sakay with my yaya in the Ikot jeep. It was so siksik! I could like, smell the putok of the girl next to me. Like, it was sobrang mabaho talaga. Kasi naman, the Ikot jeeps are old na nga, they’re mainit pa! Sana they make palit na the jeeps with a shuttle system. Okey lang naman even if there’s an increase in pamasahe ‘di ba? So when the car is bawal, I can use my credit card na to make bayad.
Isa pa, you know the Shopping Center? It’s so kadiri talaga. I’m forced na nga to make Xerox there, (as if naman I could be caught in that place otherwise) pero I’m so inis because it’s so maliit and madilim, and most of the stalls don’t have aircon. They should tear it down na and build a mall na lang. Then I wouldn’t have to go to Katipunan pa to get my Starbucks fix.
My gosh, this place is so bulok I don’t know nga why anyone would bother making turo here pa. Just yesterday, my professor was kinda inis kasi her whiteboard marker had no more tinta! Then she tried to make hanap a matino whiteboard marker but of course there was none. Duh! Kasi naman if we had laptops instead of desks in every classroom there would be no more need or whiteboards di ba? But you know even if there were laptops na, the seats are so tigas sometimes I find it mahirap to concentrate. Dapat may cushioning para malambot sa butt, like Downy.Now I’m in my third year na. I don’t want to stay in this place anymore.I don’t give a paki if UP’s the best university here. I’m going to transfer to somewhere else, where the CRs have liquid soap.
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UAAP players edition..
Ateneoism
Mahilig sa mani, si Rabah Al-hussaini!
Padila mo kay Arao, ang iyong bungang araw!
Mahaba ang pang tuklaw, ni Nonoy Baclao!
Tagos na tagos, kay Mike Baldos!
Gagawin kang poso, ni Ken Barracoso!
Malaki ang puerta, ni Yuri Escueta!
Give me your underwear, Zion Laterre!
Parang footlong, ang kay Kirk Long!
Parang short, ang kay Eman Monfort!
Gagawin kang ulam, ni Nkemakolam!
Nadisgrasya si ines, dahil kay Jai Reyes!
Isa kang alamat, Eric Salamat!
I look like you, Chris Tiu!
Adamsonism
Merong tinuhog si Patrick Cabahug!
Adik sa monay si Leo Canuday!
Si Roel Hugnatan pwedeng pangpulutan!
Animoism
Dont touch my muffins, Simon Atkins!
Mapapamura ka sa kama ni Peejay Barua!
Simpleng macho, Jvee Casio!
Kiss ko, Kish Co!
Akin lang si Cua, bruha!
Makulit ang hand, ni Ferdinand!
Kinaladkad ni Brian Ilad!
Faster! faster! Rico Maierhofer!
What a mess, Bader Malabes!
James Mangahas, mahilig manglamas!
Mabilis gumapang, si Ty T@ng!
I like your flavah, Cholo Villanueva!
Be my bubblegum, Pj Walsham!
FEUism
Be my foe, Marlon Adolfo!
You ring my bell, Macmac Baracael!
Barroca mukhang tokwa!
Hindi kakalawangin si Jr Cawaling!
Feeling fearless, Benedict Fernandez!
Mukhang gorilya si Alfred Gerilla!
Paul Sanga naka tunganga!
NUism
Ilabas mo ang toro, Edwin Asoro!
Adik sa tres, Jonathan Fernandez!
Give me your hankey, Jonathan Jahnke!
Para ka lang langaw kay Joseph Lingao lingao!
Mukha lang henyo si Cyrus Malagueno!
UEism
Dalhin mo ako sa banyo, Marcy Arellano!
Huwag mo akong hubaran! Borboran!
Don't undress, Jorel Canizares!
Gusto ko pa ng round two, Elmer Espiritu!
Pull me! Fampulme!
Gusto kong bumayo, dahil kay Kelvin Gregorio!
Don't touch my birdie, Paul Lee!
May tagas si Barry Llagas?
Adik din sa tres si James Martinez!
Killer smiley si Hans Thiele!
UPism
No assist! Shoot agad bilis! Migs De Asis!
Mike Gamboa ipasa mo naman ang bola!
Taste my sauce, Veejay Serios!
Hindi marunong tumalon, Magi Sison!
USTism
Paliguan mo ako sa lababo, Dylan Ababou!
Take off my bra, Francis Allera!
Lets do it after class, Mark Canlas
Rebounds SUS! Jervy Cruz!
Matigas agad ang suman pag hinawakan ni Cuan!
Human pump faker edition, by Jun Dizon!
Ilagay mo ako sa lamesa, Khazim Mirza!
Bakit madulas ang floor, Chester Taylor?
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Q: Excuse for being late?
Ateneo: Cars going to Miriam creating traffic.
Miriam College: Cars going to Ateneo creating traffic.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Expressions pag nakakuha ng funny ***
ADMU - hahaha, funny
DLSU - yeah, right
UP - t***** OK to ah
AMA- t***** tayo na naman ang pinag-uusapan ah!
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Cellphone orders in Greenhills
La Salle - 6680 please
ADMU - five housing for my 6681
UP - car charger nga
UST - extra battery
UE - two pieces of P1,000 GLOBE cards
AMA - (pabulong) may brochure kayo?
STI- Gago! anong akala mo sakin nagtitinda d2???
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A MURDER MYSTERY (To be solved solely on the basis of pure logic)
Who committed the murder?
Suspects:
The Humble Atenean, The Bright La Sallite, The Innocent Maryknoller, The Unaffected Assumptionista, The UP Graduate
Culprit:
The UP Graduate
Logic:
No such thing as a Humble Atenean or a Bright La Sallite or an Innocent Maryknoller or an Unaffected Assumptionista.
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Iba't-ibang reaksyon ng mga
estudyante ng makakita prostitute:
UP: bayaran!
DLSU: flirt!
ADMU: loose!
UST: yuki!
San Beda: how much?
AMA: hi classmate
FEU: hi suki!
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FAVORITE PICK UP LINES
ATENEO: Hi! wanna ride in my new car?
UP Let's study together after school.
UST: Libre kita ng dinner.
DLSU: Let's have a date this weekend.
AMA: Date naman tayo, hindi ako taya
STI: Ay gabi na, hatid nalang kita baka pagalitan ka pa sa inyo
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HOW DO YOU KNOW ONE WHEN YOU SEE ONE?
In a grand ballroom party conducted by the Philippine Society of Colleges and Universities, the Chairman of the Board got curious to know what particular schools attended the big celebration. Therefore, he checked out the house where it was all happening. Guess whom he found and where he found them?
UP Diliman - everybody was lined up to the attic to have a fraternity ritual
UP Los Banos - they were in the garden mowing the lawn
UP Manila - they were into "drugs"
Ateneo - they were inside the TV room with a microphone chanting the "BLUE EAGLE" spelling
La Salle - they were eavesdropping
San Beda - some were beside the Ateneans while others were in the
bedroom with some Paulinians
St. Paul - they thought they were with the Ateneans
Holy Spirit - Ateneans and La Sallites want them in bed
Miriam - they were beside the room of the Ateneans... like always
Assumption - they were inside the bathroom three hours already since arriving
St. Scholastica - they were next in line for the bathroom
CEU - some were doing the dishes while others were busy with the laundry
St. Louis - they were in front of the air conditioner
UE - they don't know what's an air conditioner
UST - they were everywhere
FEU - they were nowhere
MLQU - sob! They were not invited
San Sebastian - How the hell did they pass by security?
Letran - the Security
Mapua - they were fixing the leak in the roof
TIP - they were the ones who created the leak
NU - they were outside the house selling cigarettes
JRC - they were the ones buying
Adamson - went to Luneta instead
Sta. Isabel - they were Adamson's dates
CRC - what the hell is this party for?
PSBA - what the hell is CRC?
NCBA - what the hell is PSBA?
AMA - they were parading with Jolina posters, ooops updated, they are creating viruses
STI - still wishing they were somebody
JRU - they wear 'bigote' like our national hero, even ladies
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exam
La Salle Student: Hahaha Tuition fee nyo, baon lang namen, ang poor nyo naman
UP Student: Hahaha ano ngayon??? Final Exams nyo Seatwork lang namin
------------------------------------------------------------------------
La Sallite #1: If you can tell me how many chickens I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them.
La Sallite #2: Uh, two?
La Sallite #1: Daya mo! You peeked!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tatlong Magkaka-brakada: a La Sallite, a UPian, and an Atenean went on a hunting trip.
The first night, the guy from UP comes back to the cabin with a big deer. The others ask him how he did it, and he cooly replies: "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!"
The next night, the guy from Ateneo comes back also with a big deer. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!" was the Atenean's story.
So the La Sallite decides to try it himself. But the next night, as he drags himself back to the cabin, his two companions find him bruised and bloody all over. "What happened?" they ask?
"Well," replies the La Sallite, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! A train hit me."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do Lasallites count to ten?
-- One, two, three, another, another, another ...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Things We Learn in Grade School
Chance had it that an Atenean and a La Sallite were peeing in the Men's Room at the same time. The Atenean finished first and after a quick shake, zipped up and was about to quickly exit.
The La Sallite finished peeing immediately after, approached the sink, turned on the faucet, started to wash his hands and hurriedly shot a remark at the departing Atenean - "You must be an Atenean!"
The Atenean replied, "Why yes... You're right... But aside from the obvious markings on my jacket, how did you know?"
To which, the La Sallite answered rather haughtily, "I noticed - you didn't wash your hands after peeing. You see, we, La Sallites, were taught, very early in Grade School, to always wash our hands after we pee!"
And the Atenean replied somewhat sheepishly, "Oh... Well.. You see, we Ateneans were taught, very early in Grade School, never to pee in our hands..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mahirap Ang Lahat
Sa UP, mahirap ang Math.
Sa Ateneo, mahirap ang English.
Sa La Salle, mahirap ang parking.
Sa Santa Isabel College, mahirap ang walang pera.
Sa UST, mahirap umuwi kapag baha.
Sa Adamson University, mahirap umuwi kahit anong oras.
Sa St. Scho, mahirap sumakay sa LRT
Sa San Beda, mahirap maging lalaki.
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Pasikatan ng Graduates
UP: A number of past Philippine presidents graduated from UP. Presidents oxas, Quirino, Laurel, Garcia and Marcos, to name just a few!
ATENEO: Hah! That's nothing, a number of Ateneo graduates became national heroes like Jose Rizal, Gen. Gregorio del Pilar, Gen. Antonio Luna, Evelio Javier and many others.
UP: That just goes to show you, UP graduates become presidents and lead countries while Ateneans end up getting shot!
LA SALLE: Wala 'yan. Talo kayo sa mga gradweyt namin!
UP & ATENEO: Bakit sino ba ang mga graduates ninyo?
LA SALLE: Aba! Marami kaming sikat na gradweyts; si Gary Valenciano, Dingdong Avanzado, Ogie Alcasid, Monsour del Rosario, Rico Yan . . .
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CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
A few days before Christmas, the Monsignor thought it would be a good idea if he solicited the support of a number of the Catholic Schools to get together to create a Nativity Scene in time for the Christmas Mass. The day before Christmas, the Monsignor discovered that the Nativity Scene was still incomplete so he made a few inquiries on why this was so
Ateneo reported it could come up with only two and not three wise men.
La Salle reported it couldn't come up with even a single wise man.
San Beda reported that it could only come up with three wise gays.
UP reported that they killed the three wise men.
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MAGIC MIRROR
There's a magic mirror but the thing is, if you lied, **kling** the mirror will instantly vanish you. Then there were 3 students (from UP, ADMU, DLSU) who passed by that mirror and decided to give it a shot just to see if it really works...
UP: I think UP students are not intelligent... **kling** ...and the student disappeared.
ADMU: I think Ateneo students are poor... **kling** ...and the student disappeared.
DLSU: (Proudly) I think... **kling** ...and the student disappeared.
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BUYING A PARROT
A La Sallite walks into a store and says: "Miss, I'd like a green parrot, please."
The salesgirl looks at him and asks: "Sir... are you a Lasallite by any chance?"
The La Sallite replies: "O... bakit mo naman natanong 'yan? If I asked for BLUE cheese, would you ask me if I were from Ateneo? I don't think so. If I bought a MAROON shirt, would you ask me if I were from UP? I think not. So why then, when I want to buy a GREEN parrot, you ask me if I'm from La Salle? Duh?"
"Sir... kasi naman..." replied the salesgirl, "this is a bookstore not a pet shop, eh."
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UST - "UP Sana Tayo."
DLSU - "Di Lumusot sa UPCAT"
AdMU - "Ang Daming Mali sa UPCAT"
UP - University of the Poor / University of Pila
PLM - Pamanatasan sa Likod ng Mapua
St. Paul- Sana Talaga Pumasa Ako UP, Lord (the best)
STI - Sampung Taong Istambay
- Sa Tabing Ilog
PSBA - Pagawaan ng Sapatos, Bakya atbp
- Parking space beside Ateneo
FEU- Far Employment Univesity
PMI- Pamantasan Malapit sa Ilog
PMA- Pahinga Muna Anak
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Pag nahuli ng pulis while driving
DLSU : Sorry sir, here's 500 pesos for the boys
ATENEO: Pasensya na sir, here's 200 pesos
UST : Bossing, pag-usapan na lang natin sa 100
UP : 50 pesos lang dala ko eh! Pwede na to!
AMA : Ano gusto nyo? Stork o Maxx?
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Mas gustong pinaguusapan
Ateneo : books
DLSU : showbiz
St. Scho : boys
San Beda : girls
AMA : kami na naman? STI naman.
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DLSU: taz
ADMU: bugs bunny
UP: sylvester
UST: tweety
FEU: porky pig
AMA: Marvin... and Jolina
STI: Antoinette Taus
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LaSalle: st. john baptist de la salle, pray for us....
Ateneo: st. ignatius, pray for us
San Sebastian: st.sebastian, pray for us
San Beda: st.benedict, st bede, pray for us/that in all things god may be glorified
JRU: our holy father national hero jose rizal?!?!?!
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After class:
CSB - tambay, punta sa kotse
Letran - punta mall, coffee break
Beda - tambay, review notes
Mapua - punta walls, pa cute cute
PCU - uwi agad, laba-laba
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Ateneo: My credit cards!!!
La Salle: My cash!!!
UP: Form 5 ko!!!
AMA: Pakshet! Yung picture ni Jolens!!!
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Gimik:
DLSU- abgs
ADMU- fatwillys
Beda- mars
CEU - padis
UST - chatterbox
AMA - di nyo kami maaapi ngayon sa hardrock kami! may concert si jolina!
beeh!
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LaSalle: PlayBoy
UST: Penthouse
SanBeda: UNO
Letran: Vogue
JRU: BALITANG TORO(sold under LRT stations)
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Maalaala mo kaya:
Dear Ate Charo,
It’s so hirap talaga to study in UP, the University of the Poor.You know, I never wanted to study here. But my parents kasi, they both went to UP and they said na it was the best school talaga.
Eh ‘di I went. But no! When I got here, Holy horrors! I was ready to make himatay after the first day pa lang.
Would you believe, there’s no aircon na nga in the classrooms, the fan doesn’t work pa. And then this guy who was like, wearing a sando, shorts and tsinelas lang made tabi next to me. He made pakilala pa! The nerve! So I made takbo to the CR to make tago. But I couldn’t make hugas my hands that were so pawis from escaping such a near-death experience. There was no liquid soap! Not even a couch where I could sit to make kikay. Do you feel my pain na ba?
But wait, there’s more. Last Thursday kasi Daddy’s Volvo was bawal, eh the Eclipse was being repaired, so I had to make sakay with my yaya in the Ikot jeep. It was so siksik! I could like, smell the putok of the girl next to me. Like, it was sobrang mabaho talaga. Kasi naman, the Ikot jeeps are old na nga, they’re mainit pa! Sana they make palit na the jeeps with a shuttle system. Okey lang naman even if there’s an increase in pamasahe ‘di ba? So when the car is bawal, I can use my credit card na to make bayad.
Isa pa, you know the Shopping Center? It’s so kadiri talaga. I’m forced na nga to make Xerox there, (as if naman I could be caught in that place otherwise) pero I’m so inis because it’s so maliit and madilim, and most of the stalls don’t have aircon. They should tear it down na and build a mall na lang. Then I wouldn’t have to go to Katipunan pa to get my Starbucks fix.
My gosh, this place is so bulok I don’t know nga why anyone would bother making turo here pa. Just yesterday, my professor was kinda inis kasi her whiteboard marker had no more tinta! Then she tried to make hanap a matino whiteboard marker but of course there was none. Duh! Kasi naman if we had laptops instead of desks in every classroom there would be no more need or whiteboards di ba? But you know even if there were laptops na, the seats are so tigas sometimes I find it mahirap to concentrate. Dapat may cushioning para malambot sa butt, like Downy.Now I’m in my third year na. I don’t want to stay in this place anymore.I don’t give a paki if UP’s the best university here. I’m going to transfer to somewhere else, where the CRs have liquid soap.
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UAAP players edition..
Ateneoism
Mahilig sa mani, si Rabah Al-hussaini!
Padila mo kay Arao, ang iyong bungang araw!
Mahaba ang pang tuklaw, ni Nonoy Baclao!
Tagos na tagos, kay Mike Baldos!
Gagawin kang poso, ni Ken Barracoso!
Malaki ang puerta, ni Yuri Escueta!
Give me your underwear, Zion Laterre!
Parang footlong, ang kay Kirk Long!
Parang short, ang kay Eman Monfort!
Gagawin kang ulam, ni Nkemakolam!
Nadisgrasya si ines, dahil kay Jai Reyes!
Isa kang alamat, Eric Salamat!
I look like you, Chris Tiu!
Adamsonism
Merong tinuhog si Patrick Cabahug!
Adik sa monay si Leo Canuday!
Si Roel Hugnatan pwedeng pangpulutan!
Animoism
Dont touch my muffins, Simon Atkins!
Mapapamura ka sa kama ni Peejay Barua!
Simpleng macho, Jvee Casio!
Kiss ko, Kish Co!
Akin lang si Cua, bruha!
Makulit ang hand, ni Ferdinand!
Kinaladkad ni Brian Ilad!
Faster! faster! Rico Maierhofer!
What a mess, Bader Malabes!
James Mangahas, mahilig manglamas!
Mabilis gumapang, si Ty T@ng!
I like your flavah, Cholo Villanueva!
Be my bubblegum, Pj Walsham!
FEUism
Be my foe, Marlon Adolfo!
You ring my bell, Macmac Baracael!
Barroca mukhang tokwa!
Hindi kakalawangin si Jr Cawaling!
Feeling fearless, Benedict Fernandez!
Mukhang gorilya si Alfred Gerilla!
Paul Sanga naka tunganga!
NUism
Ilabas mo ang toro, Edwin Asoro!
Adik sa tres, Jonathan Fernandez!
Give me your hankey, Jonathan Jahnke!
Para ka lang langaw kay Joseph Lingao lingao!
Mukha lang henyo si Cyrus Malagueno!
UEism
Dalhin mo ako sa banyo, Marcy Arellano!
Huwag mo akong hubaran! Borboran!
Don't undress, Jorel Canizares!
Gusto ko pa ng round two, Elmer Espiritu!
Pull me! Fampulme!
Gusto kong bumayo, dahil kay Kelvin Gregorio!
Don't touch my birdie, Paul Lee!
May tagas si Barry Llagas?
Adik din sa tres si James Martinez!
Killer smiley si Hans Thiele!
UPism
No assist! Shoot agad bilis! Migs De Asis!
Mike Gamboa ipasa mo naman ang bola!
Taste my sauce, Veejay Serios!
Hindi marunong tumalon, Magi Sison!
USTism
Paliguan mo ako sa lababo, Dylan Ababou!
Take off my bra, Francis Allera!
Lets do it after class, Mark Canlas
Rebounds SUS! Jervy Cruz!
Matigas agad ang suman pag hinawakan ni Cuan!
Human pump faker edition, by Jun Dizon!
Ilagay mo ako sa lamesa, Khazim Mirza!
Bakit madulas ang floor, Chester Taylor?
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Q: Excuse for being late?
Ateneo: Cars going to Miriam creating traffic.
Miriam College: Cars going to Ateneo creating traffic.
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Expressions pag nakakuha ng funny ***
ADMU - hahaha, funny
DLSU - yeah, right
UP - t***** OK to ah
AMA- t***** tayo na naman ang pinag-uusapan ah!
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Cellphone orders in Greenhills
La Salle - 6680 please
ADMU - five housing for my 6681
UP - car charger nga
UST - extra battery
UE - two pieces of P1,000 GLOBE cards
AMA - (pabulong) may brochure kayo?
STI- Gago! anong akala mo sakin nagtitinda d2???
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A MURDER MYSTERY (To be solved solely on the basis of pure logic)
Who committed the murder?
Suspects:
The Humble Atenean, The Bright La Sallite, The Innocent Maryknoller, The Unaffected Assumptionista, The UP Graduate
Culprit:
The UP Graduate
Logic:
No such thing as a Humble Atenean or a Bright La Sallite or an Innocent Maryknoller or an Unaffected Assumptionista.
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Iba't-ibang reaksyon ng mga
estudyante ng makakita prostitute:
UP: bayaran!
DLSU: flirt!
ADMU: loose!
UST: yuki!
San Beda: how much?
AMA: hi classmate
FEU: hi suki!
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FAVORITE PICK UP LINES
ATENEO: Hi! wanna ride in my new car?
UP Let's study together after school.
UST: Libre kita ng dinner.
DLSU: Let's have a date this weekend.
AMA: Date naman tayo, hindi ako taya
STI: Ay gabi na, hatid nalang kita baka pagalitan ka pa sa inyo
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HOW DO YOU KNOW ONE WHEN YOU SEE ONE?
In a grand ballroom party conducted by the Philippine Society of Colleges and Universities, the Chairman of the Board got curious to know what particular schools attended the big celebration. Therefore, he checked out the house where it was all happening. Guess whom he found and where he found them?
UP Diliman - everybody was lined up to the attic to have a fraternity ritual
UP Los Banos - they were in the garden mowing the lawn
UP Manila - they were into "drugs"
Ateneo - they were inside the TV room with a microphone chanting the "BLUE EAGLE" spelling
La Salle - they were eavesdropping
San Beda - some were beside the Ateneans while others were in the
bedroom with some Paulinians
St. Paul - they thought they were with the Ateneans
Holy Spirit - Ateneans and La Sallites want them in bed
Miriam - they were beside the room of the Ateneans... like always
Assumption - they were inside the bathroom three hours already since arriving
St. Scholastica - they were next in line for the bathroom
CEU - some were doing the dishes while others were busy with the laundry
St. Louis - they were in front of the air conditioner
UE - they don't know what's an air conditioner
UST - they were everywhere
FEU - they were nowhere
MLQU - sob! They were not invited
San Sebastian - How the hell did they pass by security?
Letran - the Security
Mapua - they were fixing the leak in the roof
TIP - they were the ones who created the leak
NU - they were outside the house selling cigarettes
JRC - they were the ones buying
Adamson - went to Luneta instead
Sta. Isabel - they were Adamson's dates
CRC - what the hell is this party for?
PSBA - what the hell is CRC?
NCBA - what the hell is PSBA?
AMA - they were parading with Jolina posters, ooops updated, they are creating viruses
STI - still wishing they were somebody
JRU - they wear 'bigote' like our national hero, even ladies
hiling ng mga babae..
hiling ng mga babae. eto mga prayers ng mga babae.
7yrs old: Lord, give me superman!
15yrs old: Lord,give me a cute man!
in her twenties: Lord,give me a gorgeous man!
in her thirties: Lord,give me a good man!
in her forties: Lord,give me a MAN...
fifties: Lord,give me kahit sino MAN..
sixties+ : Lord,sige na naMAN!
7yrs old: Lord, give me superman!
15yrs old: Lord,give me a cute man!
in her twenties: Lord,give me a gorgeous man!
in her thirties: Lord,give me a good man!
in her forties: Lord,give me a MAN...
fifties: Lord,give me kahit sino MAN..
sixties+ : Lord,sige na naMAN!
At Da Hospital
girl went to doctor due to bad cough and colds. doc places stethoscope on her chest and said, "big breaths." girl proudly replies, "yeth, and i'm only thixteen!"
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Babae: Doc, kumusta na ang asawa ko?
Doc: Sorry ma'am. Mula ngayon, ikaw na ang magpapakain at magpapaligo sa kanya, kasi putol na ang kanyang mga kamay at paa.
Babae: Hah?! Hindi nga?!
Doc: Hehehe! Ninerbyos ka ano? Joke lang! Patay na sya!
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bisaya went to the US to have his penis checked. in the clinic, the bisaya pulled down his pants and exclaimed: SAKIT DOK!
the american doctor blurted out: SUCK IT YOURSELF!
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Babae: Doc, kumusta na ang asawa ko?
Doc: Sorry ma'am. Mula ngayon, ikaw na ang magpapakain at magpapaligo sa kanya, kasi putol na ang kanyang mga kamay at paa.
Babae: Hah?! Hindi nga?!
Doc: Hehehe! Ninerbyos ka ano? Joke lang! Patay na sya!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
bisaya went to the US to have his penis checked. in the clinic, the bisaya pulled down his pants and exclaimed: SAKIT DOK!
the american doctor blurted out: SUCK IT YOURSELF!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Philippine Government Cabinet Reshuffle
Cabinet reshuffle With the continuing worsening of the situation and with no end in sight to the hostage drama in Palawan, the Government has seriously considered negotiating with the Abu Sayyaf.
One of the recommendations made in the recent Cabinet meeting was to utilize and hire the members of the Abu Sayyaf movement to serve the Government. Since he has been contemplating on reshuffling his Cabinet anyway, it was strongly recommended the President start hiring Muslims and have them head the Goverment agenices.
Initially, with their qualifications and experience, the following have been appointed to these Government agencies:
Abu Gado Dept of Justice
Abu Rido Dept of National Defense
Abu Nado Dept of Finance
Abu Loy Dept of Social Welfare
Abu Tan Bureau of Customs
Abu Sado Phil National Police
Abu So Dept of Tourism
Abu Lario Dept of Health
One of the recommendations made in the recent Cabinet meeting was to utilize and hire the members of the Abu Sayyaf movement to serve the Government. Since he has been contemplating on reshuffling his Cabinet anyway, it was strongly recommended the President start hiring Muslims and have them head the Goverment agenices.
Initially, with their qualifications and experience, the following have been appointed to these Government agencies:
Abu Gado Dept of Justice
Abu Rido Dept of National Defense
Abu Nado Dept of Finance
Abu Loy Dept of Social Welfare
Abu Tan Bureau of Customs
Abu Sado Phil National Police
Abu So Dept of Tourism
Abu Lario Dept of Health
Mga Bagong Salawikaing Pilipino
* Behind the clouds are the other clouds.
* It's better to cheat than to repeat!
* Do unto others ... then run!!!
* Better late than pregnant.
* Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang salop.
* Magbiro ka na sa lasing, magbiro ka na sa
bagong gising, huwag lang sa lasing na bagong gising.
* When all else fails, follow instructions.
* Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling
wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa.
* To err is human, to errs is humans.
* Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard.
* Pag may usok ... may nag-iihaw
* Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin ... may utang.
* Birds of the same feather that prays
together ... stays together.
* Ang taong nagigipit ... sa bumbay kumakapit
* Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot.
* No guts, no glory... no ID, no entry.
* Ang taong di marunong lumingon sa kanyang
pinanggalingan .... ay may stiff neck.
* Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.
* Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may taga, may tahi.
* Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment
* Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.
* Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao.
* Better late than later.
* Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay
kubo, sa paligid puno ng linga.
* Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na!
* Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin.
* No man is an island because time is gold.
* Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto ... muta lang yan.
* Kapag ang puno mabunga ... mataba ang lupa!
* Pagkahaba haba man ng prusisyon ... mauubusan din ng kandila.
* Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw,
minsan nasa vulcanizing shop.
* Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ... sapul.
* Try and try until you succeed... or else try another.
* When it rains ... it floods.
* Ako ang nagsaing ... iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh.
* Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik.
* Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago.
* An apple a day is too expensive.
* An apple a day makes seven apples a week. (really expensive)
* Aanhin pa ang damo kung ang garden mo'y sementado
* Aanhin pa ang damo kung bato na ang uso
* If you can't beat them, shoot them. (Nalundasan)
* It's better to cheat than to repeat!
* Do unto others ... then run!!!
* Better late than pregnant.
* Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang salop.
* Magbiro ka na sa lasing, magbiro ka na sa
bagong gising, huwag lang sa lasing na bagong gising.
* When all else fails, follow instructions.
* Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling
wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa.
* To err is human, to errs is humans.
* Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard.
* Pag may usok ... may nag-iihaw
* Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin ... may utang.
* Birds of the same feather that prays
together ... stays together.
* Ang taong nagigipit ... sa bumbay kumakapit
* Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot.
* No guts, no glory... no ID, no entry.
* Ang taong di marunong lumingon sa kanyang
pinanggalingan .... ay may stiff neck.
* Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.
* Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may taga, may tahi.
* Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment
* Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.
* Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao.
* Better late than later.
* Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay
kubo, sa paligid puno ng linga.
* Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na!
* Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin.
* No man is an island because time is gold.
* Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto ... muta lang yan.
* Kapag ang puno mabunga ... mataba ang lupa!
* Pagkahaba haba man ng prusisyon ... mauubusan din ng kandila.
* Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw,
minsan nasa vulcanizing shop.
* Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ... sapul.
* Try and try until you succeed... or else try another.
* When it rains ... it floods.
* Ako ang nagsaing ... iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh.
* Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik.
* Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago.
* An apple a day is too expensive.
* An apple a day makes seven apples a week. (really expensive)
* Aanhin pa ang damo kung ang garden mo'y sementado
* Aanhin pa ang damo kung bato na ang uso
* If you can't beat them, shoot them. (Nalundasan)
Asian Humor part1
Chinese going to america
Once, there was 3 chinese people who wanted to go to America.
Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound
awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change me name to Buck, adding ck
to the end." Chu then said, "then I'll become Chuck." After a
long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back to China."
You know you're Asian if...
-Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15
-Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from
-You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life
-You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom
-You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs
-Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher
-An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother?" Well then, "Is it your sister?"
-Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
-Everyone thinks you're good at math
-You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle"
-You own a rice cooker or two
-You buy soy sauce by the gallon
-Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head
Once, there was 3 chinese people who wanted to go to America.
Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound
awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change me name to Buck, adding ck
to the end." Chu then said, "then I'll become Chuck." After a
long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back to China."
You know you're Asian if...
-Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15
-Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from
-You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life
-You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom
-You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs
-Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher
-An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother?" Well then, "Is it your sister?"
-Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
-Everyone thinks you're good at math
-You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle"
-You own a rice cooker or two
-You buy soy sauce by the gallon
-Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head
Friday, November 19, 2010
ERAP jokes 2
English Language
Cory: Bakit ayaw mo ng English language?
Erap: Nakakalito kasi. Ang isda, pis, ang mukha ay pis, ang katahimikan ay pis din
Sa mga subdivision ay may Pis 1, Pis 2, Pis 3
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ERAP: Lintik na ibon yon ah iniputan ako!
Guard: Sir, sandali lang po kukuha ako ng toilet paper
ERAP: Wag na! Paano mo pa mapupunasan yung pwet non eh nakalipad na! Tanga ka talaga!
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FVR: Erap, may gift ako sayo from India,..10 feet na snake
Erap: Ows! Niloloko mo ba ako!? Di ako ganon katanga, wala namang feet ang snake noh!Gagong Toh!
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ERAP calling emergency hotline: Please send help asap! My daughter is giving birthand turning blue
Operator: Calm down sir! Is this her first baby?
ERAP: No! This is her father!
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ERAP & some companions went to a drinking bar,when he noticed a warning sign Below 18 not allowed Erap said,wag na tayong tumuloy,11 lang tayo
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Cardinal Sin is accepting ERAP to be the new president because he found
ERAP very close to the Lord. Gambling Lord, Drug Lord, Carnapping Lord
etc....
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Reporter asking President Erap ?
Sir, it is clear that Senator Gloria Macapagal will be your Vice
President. what are your plans for her ?
ERAP: Nothing, because I don't get involved with married women
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Another time, Erap was filling up an application form with FVR and Cory. FVR was seated to Erap's left, and Cory was seated to his right.
When he got to the part that asked about SEX, Erap looked to his left to peek at FVR's form. FVR had written "M". Then Erap took a look at Cory's application form. She had written "F".
Now Erap knew what to write. He wrote "W".
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Once Erap was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his application. form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE.
Again Erap thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.
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ERAP went to France to watch the world cup. He was toured around by a French official. "Mr. President, this is Joan of Arc. Do you know her?"
ERAP: Of course. She's Noah's wife.
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Driver to Erap: Boss, paki-tingnan nga ninyo yung signal light kung ayos na?
ERAP: (linabas ang ulo at tiningnan): Ooops sira. ooops gawa. ooops sira...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a science class:
Classmate: Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot ang elisi, umaangat sa lupa? Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?
Erap: Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While taking a shower at home and calling for Loi:
Erap: Bakit walang shampoo dito?
Loi: Anong wala, kabibili ko lang kanina ng shampoo, eh!
Erap: Eh, puro for Dry Hair lang ang meron, basa na ang buhok ko!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap calling U.P. Diliman:
Erap: Hello! Is this Diliman?
Operator; No, this is Padre Faura!
Erap: I’m sorry father, wrong number!!!
Cory: Bakit ayaw mo ng English language?
Erap: Nakakalito kasi. Ang isda, pis, ang mukha ay pis, ang katahimikan ay pis din
Sa mga subdivision ay may Pis 1, Pis 2, Pis 3
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP: Lintik na ibon yon ah iniputan ako!
Guard: Sir, sandali lang po kukuha ako ng toilet paper
ERAP: Wag na! Paano mo pa mapupunasan yung pwet non eh nakalipad na! Tanga ka talaga!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FVR: Erap, may gift ako sayo from India,..10 feet na snake
Erap: Ows! Niloloko mo ba ako!? Di ako ganon katanga, wala namang feet ang snake noh!Gagong Toh!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP calling emergency hotline: Please send help asap! My daughter is giving birthand turning blue
Operator: Calm down sir! Is this her first baby?
ERAP: No! This is her father!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP & some companions went to a drinking bar,when he noticed a warning sign Below 18 not allowed Erap said,wag na tayong tumuloy,11 lang tayo
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cardinal Sin is accepting ERAP to be the new president because he found
ERAP very close to the Lord. Gambling Lord, Drug Lord, Carnapping Lord
etc....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reporter asking President Erap ?
Sir, it is clear that Senator Gloria Macapagal will be your Vice
President. what are your plans for her ?
ERAP: Nothing, because I don't get involved with married women
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another time, Erap was filling up an application form with FVR and Cory. FVR was seated to Erap's left, and Cory was seated to his right.
When he got to the part that asked about SEX, Erap looked to his left to peek at FVR's form. FVR had written "M". Then Erap took a look at Cory's application form. She had written "F".
Now Erap knew what to write. He wrote "W".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once Erap was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his application. form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE.
Again Erap thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP went to France to watch the world cup. He was toured around by a French official. "Mr. President, this is Joan of Arc. Do you know her?"
ERAP: Of course. She's Noah's wife.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Driver to Erap: Boss, paki-tingnan nga ninyo yung signal light kung ayos na?
ERAP: (linabas ang ulo at tiningnan): Ooops sira. ooops gawa. ooops sira...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a science class:
Classmate: Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot ang elisi, umaangat sa lupa? Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?
Erap: Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While taking a shower at home and calling for Loi:
Erap: Bakit walang shampoo dito?
Loi: Anong wala, kabibili ko lang kanina ng shampoo, eh!
Erap: Eh, puro for Dry Hair lang ang meron, basa na ang buhok ko!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap calling U.P. Diliman:
Erap: Hello! Is this Diliman?
Operator; No, this is Padre Faura!
Erap: I’m sorry father, wrong number!!!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Go Green
a janitor caught Two students naked having sex in a classroom
Janitor: aha! violating school rules!
boy student: what rule?!
Janitor (thinking): NOT WEARING UNIFORM!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Isang araw pinatawag ng Arsobispo ang isang Pari
ARSOBISPO : Padre, pinasok ka raw ng babaeng hubad sa kuarto mo? Ano ginawa mo???
Pari: Tumakbo ako! E kung sa inyo po nangyari yun mahal na Arsobispo? ano gagawin nyo?
ARSOBISPO : MAGSISINUNGALING DIN!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After sex, panay pa rin hawak ng girl sa organ ang lalaki...
BOY: Gusto mo pa ulit?
GIRL: Hindi...Namimiss ko lang...Meron kasi ako n2 dati eh....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baket natatakot bumaba ang mga babae sa jeep sa kanto ng TINIO st. sa Quezon city, San Pablo at Mandaluyong?
Answer: Kasi ang sigaw ng jeepney driver " O yung mga bababa, KANTO TINIO NA!!!
hehehe peace!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a lady in a bar walks toward the boy barista and puts her finger into the barman's mouth
barista: lustfully kisses and licks each finger
lady: Tell your manager der's mo more toilet paper at ladies C.R.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what is a shock?
shock is when a husband is having sex with her pregnant wife when suddenly, little hands grab his penis and said..."daddy huli ka!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 make 8 stand,
u wet it
2 make 8 wet,
u suck it
2 make 8 stiff,
u lick it
2 get it in,
u push it...
damn! threading a needle when u get older is NO JOKE! hehehehe
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
define "love"?
according to the nurses and medical staffs,
"Love is like an illness"
anyone who gets infected always ends up in bed hehehehe
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DIFFICULY REALITY:
"Waiting for the right 1 is never easy...
specially when the wrong 1 is so.... YUMMY!"
Janitor: aha! violating school rules!
boy student: what rule?!
Janitor (thinking): NOT WEARING UNIFORM!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Isang araw pinatawag ng Arsobispo ang isang Pari
ARSOBISPO : Padre, pinasok ka raw ng babaeng hubad sa kuarto mo? Ano ginawa mo???
Pari: Tumakbo ako! E kung sa inyo po nangyari yun mahal na Arsobispo? ano gagawin nyo?
ARSOBISPO : MAGSISINUNGALING DIN!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After sex, panay pa rin hawak ng girl sa organ ang lalaki...
BOY: Gusto mo pa ulit?
GIRL: Hindi...Namimiss ko lang...Meron kasi ako n2 dati eh....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baket natatakot bumaba ang mga babae sa jeep sa kanto ng TINIO st. sa Quezon city, San Pablo at Mandaluyong?
Answer: Kasi ang sigaw ng jeepney driver " O yung mga bababa, KANTO TINIO NA!!!
hehehe peace!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a lady in a bar walks toward the boy barista and puts her finger into the barman's mouth
barista: lustfully kisses and licks each finger
lady: Tell your manager der's mo more toilet paper at ladies C.R.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what is a shock?
shock is when a husband is having sex with her pregnant wife when suddenly, little hands grab his penis and said..."daddy huli ka!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 make 8 stand,
u wet it
2 make 8 wet,
u suck it
2 make 8 stiff,
u lick it
2 get it in,
u push it...
damn! threading a needle when u get older is NO JOKE! hehehehe
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
define "love"?
according to the nurses and medical staffs,
"Love is like an illness"
anyone who gets infected always ends up in bed hehehehe
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DIFFICULY REALITY:
"Waiting for the right 1 is never easy...
specially when the wrong 1 is so.... YUMMY!"
Kutow
Nagtanong ang teacher kay Juan
Teacher: anong hayop nagsisimula sa letter 'K'
Juan: Kuto po
Teacher: hindi!!! nagtatapos ito sa letter 'W'
Juan: ma'am alam ko nah po..kutow po
Teacher: hindi!!! pang lupa ito
Juan: ah alam ko na po..kutow lupa po
Teacher: hindi!!! may sungay ito
Juan: ahhh demonyong kutow!
Teacher: anong hayop nagsisimula sa letter 'K'
Juan: Kuto po
Teacher: hindi!!! nagtatapos ito sa letter 'W'
Juan: ma'am alam ko nah po..kutow po
Teacher: hindi!!! pang lupa ito
Juan: ah alam ko na po..kutow lupa po
Teacher: hindi!!! may sungay ito
Juan: ahhh demonyong kutow!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Call Center Bloopers sa pinas
Telesales agent getting the customer's credit card info:
Agent: Can I have your expiration date, sir?
Customer: My what?!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Telesales agent giving promo spiels:
Agent: You called at the right time, ma'am. We have a lot of freebies to give away, such as free installation, free equipment, and free DVD player. That's a great offer, di ba?
Customer: huh?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Agent verifying info from the customer:
Agent: Is that a P for Ping-Pong?
Customer: No, it's B.
Agent: Oh, B, like Bing-Bong...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Customer trying to return a defective product:
Customer: I need to return this defective sauna belt that you delivered yesterday.
Agent: For that concern, you can call our customer service at www.picustomerservi ce.com.
Customer: Call where??!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------
Agent answering a call:
Agent: Thank you for calling Dish Network Department, my name is Vince..... (sees that the number called by customer is for a different client-- a DirecTV dealer).
Customer: So, I called the wrong number then?
Agent: Let me transfer you to DirecTV please dont go.... (puts the customer on hold, and then)... Thank you for calling DirecTV Department, my name is Vince...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Agent wrapping up the sale:
Agent: Our INSTALLATORS will contact you within the next 24 hours to verify your installation schedules...
Customer: Uhm.... say what, now. Who's gonna call me?
Agent: The INSTALLATORS, sir.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent getting coupon code from customer:
Agent: Can I ask for the coupon code? It's a bunch of letters.
Customers: Like ABCs?
Agent: Yes.
Customer: Ok. ABCDEFG....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Agent giving the customer service web address:
Agent: It's P- as in Papa, I- as in India, C- as in costume, U- as in you, S- as in Sam, T- as in Tango, O.... Oscar...V- for Voy...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Agent wrapping up the sale, trying to give the account info to customer:
Agent: I will now be giving you your account number and order confirmation number, do you have a PEN and BALLPEN with you?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Agent trying to create urgency over the available promotion:
Agent: Are you sure you don't want to take advantage of me?
Customer: Say, what?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Agent trying to upsell a warranty:
Agent: Here's an example: In California, a plane crashed into a customer's house, their dish was replaced, no questions asked!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Agent trying to upsell a TiVo to customer:
Agent: With a TiVo, you can do this and that, and you know, pretty much anything under the sun. Isn't that a great offer?
Customer: What?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent was asking the customer about the cost of his cable service:
Agent: How much are you paying with your current provider?
Customer: Well, I'm only paying $25.00 (--which is way cheaper than what the agent was offering)
Agent: (Surprised) Shet, magkano??!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Agent getting customer's address:
Agent: Can I have your address, please?
Customer: It's twenyfurfif- ysavan newyaorkgh road (2457 New York Road)
Agent: Can you repeat that ulit?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Agent asking the customer to be put on hold:
Tech Agent: Sir, Can I hold you for just a minute?
Customer: Sure, baby, go ahead!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Agent verifying correct spelling:
Agent: Is that a B as in boy, or a B as in Bravo?
Customer: ...uhmmm... how about B as in Boy?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Technical Agent giving customer support:
Agent: Is the ethernet cord connected?
Cust: Tha Hwhut??? (with Alabama accent)
Agent: Yung yellow cord kung nakakabit ba!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent from a local phone company entertaining a Visayan customer:
Customer: hillo! wala kasi yung bell ng pon namin??
Agent: Hindi naman po ba nabagsak yung phone?
Customer: Hende naman.
Agent: Kailan pa po ito nagsimula?
Customer: Ang alen?
Agent: Na hindi po nagri-ring yung phone?
Customer: Nagre-reng naman ah?!
Agent: Di ba sabi mo walang ring?
Customer: Hende! yong BELL! yong lestahan nong babayaran namin!!
Agent: aahhh... yung BILL?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Technical Agent: To help you out with your concern, ma'am, let me just pull out my tool here, ok? (referring to a computer program used in call centers to address the customer's concerns)
Customer: Pull out your what now?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Tech Support: Okay, Bob, just type P on your keyboard?
Customer: What? Could you repeat that?
Tech Support: 'P' on your keyboard, Bob. (this is interpreted as 'pee' on your keyboard, umihi ka sa keyboard mu)
Customer: No way. I'm not going to do that.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Agent: Sir, that is C for Cubao, Q for Quiapo.....
Customer: What is that?! I dont understand. I don't want to talk to you.
Agent: Who do you want to talk to?
Customer: I want to talk to the highest person.
Agent: My supervisor is not available as of the moment sir.
Customer: I said, I want to talk to the highest person.
Agent: Ok, you want to talk to the highest person?
Customer: Yes!
Agent: Do you want to talk to God?
Customer: what the f***! I'd rather talk to you.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Irate Customer: F***k you!
Tech Support: Sir, we're not allowed to say "F***k you!" here...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Agent: It's C as in CAT.
Customer: what?
Agent: C as in CAT. C-A-T as in meow meow...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent: Thank you for calling us, this is Candy, how may I help you?
Customer: What did you say your name was... Mandy?
Agent: No, sir, it's Candy.
Customer: Sorry, i can't hear ya... didja say Mandy?
Agent: It's Candy sir... Candy... as in Storck!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent: Alright, let me verify that... Was that a "G" as in golf?
Customer (with a different accent): NO! That was a "G" as! in GEBRA! (z as in zebra)
Oh, Gebra! like the one in the Goo?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Agent: Yeah, sir....hello sir... are you there?
Customer: Yes, sorry. I'm still there.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Agent: Ok, sir... do u have a PEN and a PENCIL ready?
Customer: What?!!
Agent: Oh, Im sorry, sir... i mean, do u have a PEN and a BALLPEN ready?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent: I'd like to speak with Billy Thompson please?
Contact: He's not in. Would you like to leave a message in his voicemail?
Agent: Sure, SIGE..
------------ --------- -----
Tech support: We're going to perform a check disk to see if your hard drive has errors in it. Please type in C-H-K-D-S-K.
Customer: What is that again?
Tech Support: C-H-K-D-S-K. .. that is... C as in Charlie... H as in Harley... K as in Karly.. D as in Darley... S as in Sarley... and K as in Karly... got it?
---------------------------
my friend closing a call...
caller: you've been a great help! thank you.
agent: you're very much welcome. is there anything else that i can help you with?
caller: that's all!
agent: thank you for calling sprint and you have a GOOD BYE!
caller: huh?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
new year!.... i'm building rapport
agent: how's new year mr. customer?
caller: i'm having a great time! how 'bout 'yer new year?
agent: ummhh...uuuhhh...it's.... NEW?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
my co-agent wrapping a call...
"you can also reach us by pressing *2 on your mobile phone or you can log on at triple U double dot sprint dot com" (www.sprint.com)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
my friend asking permission to put the customer on hold...
"can i put your call on hold for just one moment in time?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
agent: thank you for calling, my name is cher-cher. can i have your name please?
customer: my name is joe.
agent: hi joe, how are you doing today?
customer: do you really have to ask that? i just have one quick question.
agent: (nabigla si ate) don't get mad! i'm just trying to build rapport!
(oo nga naman, sir.)
agent: oh, so you are from the navy?
customer: yes, i am from the navy (at nagshare-share siya ng mga happenings sa buhay niya)..
agent: you know what? my cousin is also from the navy.
customer: (na-excite) oh really? wow! that's great to hear!
agent: (na-excite din ang loka) yeah! actually i always get nervous whenever he gets on the plane..
customer: (naputol ang excitement) i think the navy is on ships.
agent: (dead air.)
(agent talking to an american who visits the philippines very often)
agent: so, do you know how to speak tagalog?
customer: yeah.. kawnti lang (slang)
agent: (laughing out loud) wahahahaha!!! akow marameey!!! (slang din)
(grabe, hagalpak ako dito, i swear!) biglaugh
(agent is going to give her customer the confirmation number)
agent: do you have a pen a paper handy?
customer: yes, i do.
agent: good for you.
(onga naman..) I Agree
(agent verifying the customer's name)
agent: so your name is spelled as B as in Banana..
customer: what did you say?
agent: B as in Banana sir, that's like S as in Saging!
It wasnt Me
(customer is irate. kept on saying the F word)
customer: f**** you! f****!
agent: Sir!!! Can you.. please.. (galit pa si ate) stop.. F**** me?!?!
(oh.. my.. god.) Hardcore
Agent: Can I have your expiration date, sir?
Customer: My what?!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Telesales agent giving promo spiels:
Agent: You called at the right time, ma'am. We have a lot of freebies to give away, such as free installation, free equipment, and free DVD player. That's a great offer, di ba?
Customer: huh?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Agent verifying info from the customer:
Agent: Is that a P for Ping-Pong?
Customer: No, it's B.
Agent: Oh, B, like Bing-Bong...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Customer trying to return a defective product:
Customer: I need to return this defective sauna belt that you delivered yesterday.
Agent: For that concern, you can call our customer service at www.picustomerservi ce.com.
Customer: Call where??!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------
Agent answering a call:
Agent: Thank you for calling Dish Network Department, my name is Vince..... (sees that the number called by customer is for a different client-- a DirecTV dealer).
Customer: So, I called the wrong number then?
Agent: Let me transfer you to DirecTV please dont go.... (puts the customer on hold, and then)... Thank you for calling DirecTV Department, my name is Vince...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Agent wrapping up the sale:
Agent: Our INSTALLATORS will contact you within the next 24 hours to verify your installation schedules...
Customer: Uhm.... say what, now. Who's gonna call me?
Agent: The INSTALLATORS, sir.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent getting coupon code from customer:
Agent: Can I ask for the coupon code? It's a bunch of letters.
Customers: Like ABCs?
Agent: Yes.
Customer: Ok. ABCDEFG....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Agent giving the customer service web address:
Agent: It's P- as in Papa, I- as in India, C- as in costume, U- as in you, S- as in Sam, T- as in Tango, O.... Oscar...V- for Voy...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Agent wrapping up the sale, trying to give the account info to customer:
Agent: I will now be giving you your account number and order confirmation number, do you have a PEN and BALLPEN with you?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Agent trying to create urgency over the available promotion:
Agent: Are you sure you don't want to take advantage of me?
Customer: Say, what?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Agent trying to upsell a warranty:
Agent: Here's an example: In California, a plane crashed into a customer's house, their dish was replaced, no questions asked!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Agent trying to upsell a TiVo to customer:
Agent: With a TiVo, you can do this and that, and you know, pretty much anything under the sun. Isn't that a great offer?
Customer: What?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent was asking the customer about the cost of his cable service:
Agent: How much are you paying with your current provider?
Customer: Well, I'm only paying $25.00 (--which is way cheaper than what the agent was offering)
Agent: (Surprised) Shet, magkano??!!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Agent getting customer's address:
Agent: Can I have your address, please?
Customer: It's twenyfurfif- ysavan newyaorkgh road (2457 New York Road)
Agent: Can you repeat that ulit?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Agent asking the customer to be put on hold:
Tech Agent: Sir, Can I hold you for just a minute?
Customer: Sure, baby, go ahead!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Agent verifying correct spelling:
Agent: Is that a B as in boy, or a B as in Bravo?
Customer: ...uhmmm... how about B as in Boy?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Technical Agent giving customer support:
Agent: Is the ethernet cord connected?
Cust: Tha Hwhut??? (with Alabama accent)
Agent: Yung yellow cord kung nakakabit ba!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent from a local phone company entertaining a Visayan customer:
Customer: hillo! wala kasi yung bell ng pon namin??
Agent: Hindi naman po ba nabagsak yung phone?
Customer: Hende naman.
Agent: Kailan pa po ito nagsimula?
Customer: Ang alen?
Agent: Na hindi po nagri-ring yung phone?
Customer: Nagre-reng naman ah?!
Agent: Di ba sabi mo walang ring?
Customer: Hende! yong BELL! yong lestahan nong babayaran namin!!
Agent: aahhh... yung BILL?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Technical Agent: To help you out with your concern, ma'am, let me just pull out my tool here, ok? (referring to a computer program used in call centers to address the customer's concerns)
Customer: Pull out your what now?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Tech Support: Okay, Bob, just type P on your keyboard?
Customer: What? Could you repeat that?
Tech Support: 'P' on your keyboard, Bob. (this is interpreted as 'pee' on your keyboard, umihi ka sa keyboard mu)
Customer: No way. I'm not going to do that.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Agent: Sir, that is C for Cubao, Q for Quiapo.....
Customer: What is that?! I dont understand. I don't want to talk to you.
Agent: Who do you want to talk to?
Customer: I want to talk to the highest person.
Agent: My supervisor is not available as of the moment sir.
Customer: I said, I want to talk to the highest person.
Agent: Ok, you want to talk to the highest person?
Customer: Yes!
Agent: Do you want to talk to God?
Customer: what the f***! I'd rather talk to you.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Irate Customer: F***k you!
Tech Support: Sir, we're not allowed to say "F***k you!" here...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Agent: It's C as in CAT.
Customer: what?
Agent: C as in CAT. C-A-T as in meow meow...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent: Thank you for calling us, this is Candy, how may I help you?
Customer: What did you say your name was... Mandy?
Agent: No, sir, it's Candy.
Customer: Sorry, i can't hear ya... didja say Mandy?
Agent: It's Candy sir... Candy... as in Storck!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent: Alright, let me verify that... Was that a "G" as in golf?
Customer (with a different accent): NO! That was a "G" as! in GEBRA! (z as in zebra)
Oh, Gebra! like the one in the Goo?!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Agent: Yeah, sir....hello sir... are you there?
Customer: Yes, sorry. I'm still there.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Agent: Ok, sir... do u have a PEN and a PENCIL ready?
Customer: What?!!
Agent: Oh, Im sorry, sir... i mean, do u have a PEN and a BALLPEN ready?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Agent: I'd like to speak with Billy Thompson please?
Contact: He's not in. Would you like to leave a message in his voicemail?
Agent: Sure, SIGE..
------------ --------- -----
Tech support: We're going to perform a check disk to see if your hard drive has errors in it. Please type in C-H-K-D-S-K.
Customer: What is that again?
Tech Support: C-H-K-D-S-K. .. that is... C as in Charlie... H as in Harley... K as in Karly.. D as in Darley... S as in Sarley... and K as in Karly... got it?
---------------------------
my friend closing a call...
caller: you've been a great help! thank you.
agent: you're very much welcome. is there anything else that i can help you with?
caller: that's all!
agent: thank you for calling sprint and you have a GOOD BYE!
caller: huh?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
new year!.... i'm building rapport
agent: how's new year mr. customer?
caller: i'm having a great time! how 'bout 'yer new year?
agent: ummhh...uuuhhh...it's.... NEW?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
my co-agent wrapping a call...
"you can also reach us by pressing *2 on your mobile phone or you can log on at triple U double dot sprint dot com" (www.sprint.com)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
my friend asking permission to put the customer on hold...
"can i put your call on hold for just one moment in time?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
agent: thank you for calling, my name is cher-cher. can i have your name please?
customer: my name is joe.
agent: hi joe, how are you doing today?
customer: do you really have to ask that? i just have one quick question.
agent: (nabigla si ate) don't get mad! i'm just trying to build rapport!
(oo nga naman, sir.)
agent: oh, so you are from the navy?
customer: yes, i am from the navy (at nagshare-share siya ng mga happenings sa buhay niya)..
agent: you know what? my cousin is also from the navy.
customer: (na-excite) oh really? wow! that's great to hear!
agent: (na-excite din ang loka) yeah! actually i always get nervous whenever he gets on the plane..
customer: (naputol ang excitement) i think the navy is on ships.
agent: (dead air.)
(agent talking to an american who visits the philippines very often)
agent: so, do you know how to speak tagalog?
customer: yeah.. kawnti lang (slang)
agent: (laughing out loud) wahahahaha!!! akow marameey!!! (slang din)
(grabe, hagalpak ako dito, i swear!) biglaugh
(agent is going to give her customer the confirmation number)
agent: do you have a pen a paper handy?
customer: yes, i do.
agent: good for you.
(onga naman..) I Agree
(agent verifying the customer's name)
agent: so your name is spelled as B as in Banana..
customer: what did you say?
agent: B as in Banana sir, that's like S as in Saging!
It wasnt Me
(customer is irate. kept on saying the F word)
customer: f**** you! f****!
agent: Sir!!! Can you.. please.. (galit pa si ate) stop.. F**** me?!?!
(oh.. my.. god.) Hardcore
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Best Chuck Norris Jokes
1. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
2. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
3. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
4. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
5. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
7. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
8. When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
9. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
10. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
11. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
12. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
13. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
14. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
15. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
16. When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
17. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
18. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
19. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
20. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
21. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
22. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
23. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
24. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
2. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
3. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
4. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
5. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
7. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
8. When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
9. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
10. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
11. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
12. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
13. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
14. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
15. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
16. When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
17. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
18. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
19. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
20. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
21. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
22. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
23. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
24. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
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