Lauriat3

Pedro: nay, good news!

nanay: oh anu yun?

Pedro: diba sabi mo sa bawat pasadong subject ko bibigyan mo ako ng 1000?

nanay: oo naman..baket?

Pedro: uuuuuuyyy....makakatipid ka nanaman! ayos ba? hehehehe
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Juan: Pre, hulaan mo ugali ko, it starts with letter A

Pare: Approachable?

Juan: mali

Pare: Amiable?

Juan: Mali pa din

Pare: Cge sirit na

Juan: Anest pare! Anest!
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Girl1: mare, subukan mong gumamit ng vibrator pag wala si pare

Girl2: sinubukan ko na mare, masakit! nabasag lahat ng ngipin ko!

Menu 4 Today

Menu 4 Today

1. SUBO MO - sugpo, bopis, molo

2. SUBO MO PA - sugpo, bopis, molo , pancit

3.SUBO MO PA MAIGE - sugpo, bopis , molo, pancit, mais , pigue

4. SUBO MO TITE KO - sugpo, bopis , molo, tinola, teriyaki , kochinta

5.SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS - sugpo, bopis , molo, tinola, teriyaki , kochinta , bihon, tawilis

6. SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS PAKSHET! - same as #5 ...
(minura mo lang yung waiter kasi ang tagal ng order)

hahahahaha

kwentong kumpare

Pare1: pare parang malalim iniisip mo..

Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi. kasama ko 50 contestants ng ms. universe

Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema?

Pare2: Pare, ako nanalo

nye!
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"PAYABANGAN"

Erni: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga dinadala nya dyaryo sakin

Bert: Alam ko.

Erni: Ha? Pano mo nalaman?

Bert: Kinukwento sakin ng aso ko

hehehehehe
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Joe: Hihiwalayan ko na misis kong sinungaling! Natulog daw sya kagabi sa Ate nya

Tom: Anong masama dun?

Joe: Pare,katabi kong natulog ang Ate nya kagabi!

Ayos!

never too late

An old couple saw an X-rated movie for the first time...

In the middle of the movie, biglang tumayo si lola. Sinampal si lolo (Pak!)

" Damuho ka! tumanda na tayo, pwede palang kainin yun!"

Lauriat2

Daga1: Ako Tapang! Kain ako racumin.

Daga2: Mas tapang ako! Kain ako cheeze with mouse trap.

Daga3: Ako tapang sa lahat!

Daga2: Baket?

Daga2: shota ko pusa!

make sense?

be brave enuf to love some1 whom you know might kill you in the end.

Akalain mo my moral lesson pa yun hehehehe
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Madre: nagtampisaw po ako sa batis ng kasalanan dahil sa tawag ng laman

Superior: paano nangyari yon?

Madre: si Father po sinabi sa sakin na nasa akin ang Pinto ng Langit ay nasa pagitan ng aking hita at ang Susi ay nasa kanya, kaya pinasok niya ang Susi sa aking pinto.

Superior: tarantadong Pare!....Susi pala yon??? Sabi nya saakin, yon ay Trumpeta ni St. Gabriel. Isang buong taon niyang pinatorotot sa akin!

hehehehehe
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3 Am....

Lasing kumatok: Pre, tulong! patulak naman! Ayaw umandar e

Pre naawa: Cge sandali Lang!

Nagbihis si Pre at lumabas: Saan ka?

Lasing: Dito sa swing

hehehehe

MUKHA MO MAPUTE

ngongo and his wife makin love...

NGONGO: mukha mo mapute!

Wife : Hindi naman ah

NGONGO: mukha mo mapute!

Wife : Hindi nga sabi mapute e!

NGONGO: (Shouting) ang abi ko MUKHA MO MAPUTE!

(anak nagising...)

ANAK: ma, ang sabi ni Papa..IBUKA MO MABUTE.. naman e, istorbo!!

sinampay

Doctor talking to a mental patient

Doc: Magaling kana pala kasi sinagip mo friend mo na nalulunod! kaya lang, nagbigti sya sa CR

Patient: Hindi po Doc, sinabit ko sya dun para matuyo

hahahahahaah

lahat daw e

In a bus

Holdaper: Hold-up ito walang kikilos! walang gagawa ng masama kundi re-rape-in namin lahat ng babae d2!

Hostess : Wag po, ako nalang rape-in nyo..wag mo nyo na cla i-damay!

Madre: Booooooooooo, sabi lahat daw e



hehehehehehehe

Erap Jokes1

Erap: helo, i wud like to inquire how long is the flight 2 san franciso?

Operator: just a minute sir..

Erap: Really? Thank you (click)

Lauriat1

lolo: pakiabot naman ng posporo

lola: andyan naman ang kalan e!

lolo: so ipanlilinis ko yang kalan sa tenga ko? ganon ba ha? ha?


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MRS: bat ngayon ka lang?

MR: pasensya na. Nagaya ofismates ko, nagkainuman lang hehehehe

MRS: Lasing ka noh!

MR. nde

MRS: anong di? e wala ka naman trabaho, paano ka magkakaroon ng ofismates?

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bISAYA WENT 2 da US 2 have 2 penis checked. In da clinic, da bisaya pulled down his pants and exclaimed: SAKIT DOC!the American Dr. blurted out SUCK IT URSELF!

THE END OF INDAY AND DODONG

It was jazz an ordinary day.
The skies were clear, the birds were
chipping. Ang ganda-ganda ng araw!
Nasa SM ako noon at katatapos ko lang
mamili ng groceries.
Timing naman nasa foodcore si Angel
Locsin, nagpro-provoke ng movie nya.
Grabe, andaming fans, pull-packed
talaga! Dahil fans nya rin ako,
nakipila rin ako.
Then suddenly, out of the loo, may
bumulong sa akin
ng: "Indaaaayyyy. ....."
Huh? It sounded like a familiar sound.
Who can it be now?
"Dodong!" sigaw ko.
Napalakas yata voice ko. Kasi the
other fans turned their backs to
their behind at napatingin sa amin.
Sabi ko "Sorry, I didn't mean to be
loud and proud." Hinawakan na lang ni
Dodong ang kamay ko at lumayo kami
from the crowd.
"Kamusta na Inday? Do you come here
open? tanong nya.
"Bihira lang, Dodong. I'm just
droppings by. Ethnic and schedule ko
eh" sabi ko.
Memories came flushing in my mind. How
can I forget to remember Dodong? Siya
na may mata ni Piolo, dimple ni Aga,
at bigote ni Rex Cortez. he's every
woman's dreamboat. I was just starting
my tour of duty kay ate noon nang
unang makilala ko si Dodong.
Contraction worker siya sa ginagawang
bahay sa tapat namin. Naging kami for
a while then after that were not an
item anymore.
"Tanghali na Inday. What did you say
we have lunch together?" tanong ni
Dodong. "I don't mine" sagot ko.
Sa restaurant, nilapitan kaagad kami
ng waiter. "What's your odor sir?"
sabi nung waiter kay Dodong.
"Do you have porkshop?" tanong ni
Dodong.
"Yes sir" sabi nito.
"And you mam?" sabay tingin naman sa
akin.
Hmmm... mukhang masarap yung porkshop.
Pero I'm cutting down on my carbon
kaya pinigilan ko.
"I'll just have water, thanks.
Liquidate diet ako eh." sagot ko.
Pagkatapos kumain, nagyaya si Dodong
manood ng sine. Teka teka, this is
going too far. Besides, it's a long,
long way to run.
"Reality chess, Dodong. May asawa na
ako, si Jay. As a mother of fact, I'm
happily married" pagmamalaki ko.
"Di na pwede yung tulad ng dati. Sorry
pero I didn't expect you still
have more feelings than I expected. i
don't want you getting the way.
Past is fast" dagdag ko pa.
Tumahimik sya. Parang may language
barrel na namagitan sa amin. The
seconds that passed seemed like
fraternity. Di nagla-on, nagsalita na
rin sya.. "I don't care less!" sigaw ni
Dodong.
Shocks, give me a brake! The nerd ng
taong ito para sigawan ako! To
think it's his other woman that caused
our separation to part.
Kinabahan na ako. I felt speedbumps
all over my body and was having panic
attach. Tinalikuran ko siya at
nagmadali akong lumakad palayo.
Pero sumunod pa rin siya like a monkey
on my butt. Hanggang sa makakita ako
ng security guard. Biglang nawala si
Dodong.
"Excuse me kuya, pwedeng magtanong?"
sabi ko sa mamang guard.
"Of course miss, I can help you with
my pleasure." sagot niya.
"Saan po ba ang exit? Could you point
me to the right erection? I got
lost in my eyes."
"Diretso lang." sabi niya. "Then turn
right anytime with care."
"Thanks for your corporation" sabi ko.
Buti na lang nandun si kuya. Pero
saglit lang, I smell something
peachy. As I turned, nakita ko na
namang nakasunod si Dodong! Delaying
static lang pala kanina ang pag
disappear nya.
"Nyahahaha! You can run but you can
hide, Inday. No matter where you go,
there you are!" pananakot nya.
Oh no, is this the end? This is too
much, I feel degradable. My world
started falling afar.
Then suddenly, Jay come from behind!
Dodong was caught to the act! In the
matter of minute, it's all over. I'm
out of arm's way.
"Thanks Jay, my love. But how did
you?" bago pa man ako matapos, sabi
niya: "I was in the neighborhood. Fans
din ako ni Angel eh. I heard you shout
but at first I didn't give it a
thought.. Pero nang makita ko kayong
magkahawak ng holding hands, then i
give it a thought. I know something is
a missed."

From then on, Dodong did not brother
me again. In fact, he didn't even
sister me. As in platonic at wala na
talaga.
Pero kami ni Jay, heto, shoot sailing
pa rin ang relationship. Lalo pa
ngayon, open na kami sa isa't-isa at
walang exhibitions. i feel I'm on
cloud.

Dear Santa

Tommy writes to santa:

Dear Santa,

I have been a good boy. I wish for a baby brother this Xmas

Tommy


Santa Replied:

Dear Tommy,

Send my your mother and you will have your baby brother

Santa

soldier

Soldier in a war front received pics from his GF.She was naked, legs spread with a note, "4 YUR EYES ONLY! MISS U!"

Soldier replied: Hayup ka! Cno nagpicture sau?!!!

sumikip

Girl: Ma, baket sumisikip bra ko tuwing nakikita ko yung klasmety ko na gwapo?

Mom: hayaan mo anak, huwag ka magsuot ng bra bukas para yung brief naman nya ang sumikip..

hahahahahah

Bata1

bata: ate pag wala ka ba tenga maghihikaw ka?
ate: syempre hindi
bata: e pag wala kang daliri magsi-singsing ka?
ate: syempre hindi noh
bata: e baket ka nagbabra

hahahahahaha...
ang bad!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Bata: Takot ako bunot ipin
Dr.: Wag ka takot bigyan kita gamot pampatapang
(bata inum gamot)
Dr.: tapang ka na?
Bata: Cge lang gago! galawin mo ipin ko, babasagin ko bungo mo!...
hahahaha..wow tapang!

Pinoy Grammer

- da more , da meniyer!

- what are frens are 4!

-bin der, bin dat

-com, lets join us

-d sky's d langit

- dont touch me not!

-r u sure ka na ba?

- wats your next class b4 dis?

-well, well, well..look do we have hir!

-i always go der sumtimes

- giv him da benefit of da daw

-its a blessing in da sky!

-its not my problem anymore, its your problem anymore!

-i dont know for u!

- dats wat im talkin about it!

Wrong Send

GF:(texting) Ayoko na sayo! Leche ka! Break na tayo!

BF: (replied immediately) Ha? Baket? Ano problema? Ano ba kasalanan ko?

GF: Ay sorry honey. Wrong send! Love you!


BF: Kala ko naman kung ano na...Love you too!

Baka Mahuli

Maid: Sir! pag nalaman ni mam, patay tayo!

Mr.: baket? magsusumbong ka ba?

Maid: Hindi po!

Mr. : eh hindi naman pala e. dali na! make-apan mo na ako, yung bitchy ang dating ha? go!


hahahahahah

Bilin

Juan: Nay, alis na po ako. Malelate na ako sa skul

Nanay: Anak sandali, eto yung baon mong sandwhich at juice.Eto na din yung pananghalian mo para mamayang lunch break. Eto yung panyo , 2 bimpo at extra t-shirt at short baka pagpawisan ka at madumihan. Eto na din ang pulbos at cologne. Nasa bag na yung tubig pati yung payong at sumbrero mo. May tsinelas din dyan pagpagod na paa mo sa shoes. O, etong perang pamasahe.

Juan: Ampotah! Camping ito!? Absent na lang ako!

B1 Hindi Masuka

B1: Nasusuka ako kaya lang hindi ako masuka

B2: Madali Lang B1, sundutin mo tonsil mo.

B1: Hindi pa rin e

B2: Try mo sundutin pwet mo

B1: Hindi pa rin e

B2: Saka mo isundot sa tonsil mo....

student blues

Dad: Gabi na! bat ngayon ka lang umuwi??

Anak: Dad, not now, im tired...dami projects, dami events sa school, may meeting pa kami with Dean


Dad: Magtigil ka! kinder ka palang!