Cabinet reshuffle With the continuing worsening of the situation and with no end in sight to the hostage drama in Palawan, the Government has seriously considered negotiating with the Abu Sayyaf.
One of the recommendations made in the recent Cabinet meeting was to utilize and hire the members of the Abu Sayyaf movement to serve the Government. Since he has been contemplating on reshuffling his Cabinet anyway, it was strongly recommended the President start hiring Muslims and have them head the Goverment agenices.
Initially, with their qualifications and experience, the following have been appointed to these Government agencies:
Abu Gado Dept of Justice
Abu Rido Dept of National Defense
Abu Nado Dept of Finance
Abu Loy Dept of Social Welfare
Abu Tan Bureau of Customs
Abu Sado Phil National Police
Abu So Dept of Tourism
Abu Lario Dept of Health
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Mga Bagong Salawikaing Pilipino
* Behind the clouds are the other clouds.
* It's better to cheat than to repeat!
* Do unto others ... then run!!!
* Better late than pregnant.
* Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang salop.
* Magbiro ka na sa lasing, magbiro ka na sa
bagong gising, huwag lang sa lasing na bagong gising.
* When all else fails, follow instructions.
* Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling
wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa.
* To err is human, to errs is humans.
* Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard.
* Pag may usok ... may nag-iihaw
* Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin ... may utang.
* Birds of the same feather that prays
together ... stays together.
* Ang taong nagigipit ... sa bumbay kumakapit
* Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot.
* No guts, no glory... no ID, no entry.
* Ang taong di marunong lumingon sa kanyang
pinanggalingan .... ay may stiff neck.
* Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.
* Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may taga, may tahi.
* Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment
* Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.
* Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao.
* Better late than later.
* Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay
kubo, sa paligid puno ng linga.
* Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na!
* Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin.
* No man is an island because time is gold.
* Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto ... muta lang yan.
* Kapag ang puno mabunga ... mataba ang lupa!
* Pagkahaba haba man ng prusisyon ... mauubusan din ng kandila.
* Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw,
minsan nasa vulcanizing shop.
* Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ... sapul.
* Try and try until you succeed... or else try another.
* When it rains ... it floods.
* Ako ang nagsaing ... iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh.
* Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik.
* Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago.
* An apple a day is too expensive.
* An apple a day makes seven apples a week. (really expensive)
* Aanhin pa ang damo kung ang garden mo'y sementado
* Aanhin pa ang damo kung bato na ang uso
* If you can't beat them, shoot them. (Nalundasan)
* It's better to cheat than to repeat!
* Do unto others ... then run!!!
* Better late than pregnant.
* Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang salop.
* Magbiro ka na sa lasing, magbiro ka na sa
bagong gising, huwag lang sa lasing na bagong gising.
* When all else fails, follow instructions.
* Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling
wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa.
* To err is human, to errs is humans.
* Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard.
* Pag may usok ... may nag-iihaw
* Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin ... may utang.
* Birds of the same feather that prays
together ... stays together.
* Ang taong nagigipit ... sa bumbay kumakapit
* Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot.
* No guts, no glory... no ID, no entry.
* Ang taong di marunong lumingon sa kanyang
pinanggalingan .... ay may stiff neck.
* Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.
* Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may taga, may tahi.
* Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment
* Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.
* Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao.
* Better late than later.
* Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay
kubo, sa paligid puno ng linga.
* Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na!
* Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin.
* No man is an island because time is gold.
* Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto ... muta lang yan.
* Kapag ang puno mabunga ... mataba ang lupa!
* Pagkahaba haba man ng prusisyon ... mauubusan din ng kandila.
* Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw,
minsan nasa vulcanizing shop.
* Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ... sapul.
* Try and try until you succeed... or else try another.
* When it rains ... it floods.
* Ako ang nagsaing ... iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh.
* Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik.
* Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago.
* An apple a day is too expensive.
* An apple a day makes seven apples a week. (really expensive)
* Aanhin pa ang damo kung ang garden mo'y sementado
* Aanhin pa ang damo kung bato na ang uso
* If you can't beat them, shoot them. (Nalundasan)
Asian Humor part1
Chinese going to america
Once, there was 3 chinese people who wanted to go to America.
Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound
awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change me name to Buck, adding ck
to the end." Chu then said, "then I'll become Chuck." After a
long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back to China."
You know you're Asian if...
-Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15
-Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from
-You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life
-You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom
-You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs
-Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher
-An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother?" Well then, "Is it your sister?"
-Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
-Everyone thinks you're good at math
-You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle"
-You own a rice cooker or two
-You buy soy sauce by the gallon
-Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head
Once, there was 3 chinese people who wanted to go to America.
Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound
awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change me name to Buck, adding ck
to the end." Chu then said, "then I'll become Chuck." After a
long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back to China."
You know you're Asian if...
-Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15
-Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from
-You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life
-You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom
-You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs
-Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher
-An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother?" Well then, "Is it your sister?"
-Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
-Everyone thinks you're good at math
-You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle"
-You own a rice cooker or two
-You buy soy sauce by the gallon
-Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head
Friday, November 19, 2010
ERAP jokes 2
English Language
Cory: Bakit ayaw mo ng English language?
Erap: Nakakalito kasi. Ang isda, pis, ang mukha ay pis, ang katahimikan ay pis din
Sa mga subdivision ay may Pis 1, Pis 2, Pis 3
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP: Lintik na ibon yon ah iniputan ako!
Guard: Sir, sandali lang po kukuha ako ng toilet paper
ERAP: Wag na! Paano mo pa mapupunasan yung pwet non eh nakalipad na! Tanga ka talaga!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FVR: Erap, may gift ako sayo from India,..10 feet na snake
Erap: Ows! Niloloko mo ba ako!? Di ako ganon katanga, wala namang feet ang snake noh!Gagong Toh!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP calling emergency hotline: Please send help asap! My daughter is giving birthand turning blue
Operator: Calm down sir! Is this her first baby?
ERAP: No! This is her father!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP & some companions went to a drinking bar,when he noticed a warning sign Below 18 not allowed Erap said,wag na tayong tumuloy,11 lang tayo
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cardinal Sin is accepting ERAP to be the new president because he found
ERAP very close to the Lord. Gambling Lord, Drug Lord, Carnapping Lord
etc....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reporter asking President Erap ?
Sir, it is clear that Senator Gloria Macapagal will be your Vice
President. what are your plans for her ?
ERAP: Nothing, because I don't get involved with married women
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another time, Erap was filling up an application form with FVR and Cory. FVR was seated to Erap's left, and Cory was seated to his right.
When he got to the part that asked about SEX, Erap looked to his left to peek at FVR's form. FVR had written "M". Then Erap took a look at Cory's application form. She had written "F".
Now Erap knew what to write. He wrote "W".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once Erap was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his application. form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE.
Again Erap thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP went to France to watch the world cup. He was toured around by a French official. "Mr. President, this is Joan of Arc. Do you know her?"
ERAP: Of course. She's Noah's wife.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Driver to Erap: Boss, paki-tingnan nga ninyo yung signal light kung ayos na?
ERAP: (linabas ang ulo at tiningnan): Ooops sira. ooops gawa. ooops sira...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a science class:
Classmate: Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot ang elisi, umaangat sa lupa? Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?
Erap: Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While taking a shower at home and calling for Loi:
Erap: Bakit walang shampoo dito?
Loi: Anong wala, kabibili ko lang kanina ng shampoo, eh!
Erap: Eh, puro for Dry Hair lang ang meron, basa na ang buhok ko!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap calling U.P. Diliman:
Erap: Hello! Is this Diliman?
Operator; No, this is Padre Faura!
Erap: I’m sorry father, wrong number!!!
Cory: Bakit ayaw mo ng English language?
Erap: Nakakalito kasi. Ang isda, pis, ang mukha ay pis, ang katahimikan ay pis din
Sa mga subdivision ay may Pis 1, Pis 2, Pis 3
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP: Lintik na ibon yon ah iniputan ako!
Guard: Sir, sandali lang po kukuha ako ng toilet paper
ERAP: Wag na! Paano mo pa mapupunasan yung pwet non eh nakalipad na! Tanga ka talaga!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FVR: Erap, may gift ako sayo from India,..10 feet na snake
Erap: Ows! Niloloko mo ba ako!? Di ako ganon katanga, wala namang feet ang snake noh!Gagong Toh!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP calling emergency hotline: Please send help asap! My daughter is giving birthand turning blue
Operator: Calm down sir! Is this her first baby?
ERAP: No! This is her father!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP & some companions went to a drinking bar,when he noticed a warning sign Below 18 not allowed Erap said,wag na tayong tumuloy,11 lang tayo
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cardinal Sin is accepting ERAP to be the new president because he found
ERAP very close to the Lord. Gambling Lord, Drug Lord, Carnapping Lord
etc....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reporter asking President Erap ?
Sir, it is clear that Senator Gloria Macapagal will be your Vice
President. what are your plans for her ?
ERAP: Nothing, because I don't get involved with married women
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another time, Erap was filling up an application form with FVR and Cory. FVR was seated to Erap's left, and Cory was seated to his right.
When he got to the part that asked about SEX, Erap looked to his left to peek at FVR's form. FVR had written "M". Then Erap took a look at Cory's application form. She had written "F".
Now Erap knew what to write. He wrote "W".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once Erap was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his application. form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE.
Again Erap thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERAP went to France to watch the world cup. He was toured around by a French official. "Mr. President, this is Joan of Arc. Do you know her?"
ERAP: Of course. She's Noah's wife.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Driver to Erap: Boss, paki-tingnan nga ninyo yung signal light kung ayos na?
ERAP: (linabas ang ulo at tiningnan): Ooops sira. ooops gawa. ooops sira...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a science class:
Classmate: Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot ang elisi, umaangat sa lupa? Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?
Erap: Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While taking a shower at home and calling for Loi:
Erap: Bakit walang shampoo dito?
Loi: Anong wala, kabibili ko lang kanina ng shampoo, eh!
Erap: Eh, puro for Dry Hair lang ang meron, basa na ang buhok ko!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Erap calling U.P. Diliman:
Erap: Hello! Is this Diliman?
Operator; No, this is Padre Faura!
Erap: I’m sorry father, wrong number!!!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Go Green
a janitor caught Two students naked having sex in a classroom
Janitor: aha! violating school rules!
boy student: what rule?!
Janitor (thinking): NOT WEARING UNIFORM!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Isang araw pinatawag ng Arsobispo ang isang Pari
ARSOBISPO : Padre, pinasok ka raw ng babaeng hubad sa kuarto mo? Ano ginawa mo???
Pari: Tumakbo ako! E kung sa inyo po nangyari yun mahal na Arsobispo? ano gagawin nyo?
ARSOBISPO : MAGSISINUNGALING DIN!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After sex, panay pa rin hawak ng girl sa organ ang lalaki...
BOY: Gusto mo pa ulit?
GIRL: Hindi...Namimiss ko lang...Meron kasi ako n2 dati eh....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baket natatakot bumaba ang mga babae sa jeep sa kanto ng TINIO st. sa Quezon city, San Pablo at Mandaluyong?
Answer: Kasi ang sigaw ng jeepney driver " O yung mga bababa, KANTO TINIO NA!!!
hehehe peace!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a lady in a bar walks toward the boy barista and puts her finger into the barman's mouth
barista: lustfully kisses and licks each finger
lady: Tell your manager der's mo more toilet paper at ladies C.R.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what is a shock?
shock is when a husband is having sex with her pregnant wife when suddenly, little hands grab his penis and said..."daddy huli ka!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 make 8 stand,
u wet it
2 make 8 wet,
u suck it
2 make 8 stiff,
u lick it
2 get it in,
u push it...
damn! threading a needle when u get older is NO JOKE! hehehehe
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
define "love"?
according to the nurses and medical staffs,
"Love is like an illness"
anyone who gets infected always ends up in bed hehehehe
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DIFFICULY REALITY:
"Waiting for the right 1 is never easy...
specially when the wrong 1 is so.... YUMMY!"
Janitor: aha! violating school rules!
boy student: what rule?!
Janitor (thinking): NOT WEARING UNIFORM!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Isang araw pinatawag ng Arsobispo ang isang Pari
ARSOBISPO : Padre, pinasok ka raw ng babaeng hubad sa kuarto mo? Ano ginawa mo???
Pari: Tumakbo ako! E kung sa inyo po nangyari yun mahal na Arsobispo? ano gagawin nyo?
ARSOBISPO : MAGSISINUNGALING DIN!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After sex, panay pa rin hawak ng girl sa organ ang lalaki...
BOY: Gusto mo pa ulit?
GIRL: Hindi...Namimiss ko lang...Meron kasi ako n2 dati eh....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baket natatakot bumaba ang mga babae sa jeep sa kanto ng TINIO st. sa Quezon city, San Pablo at Mandaluyong?
Answer: Kasi ang sigaw ng jeepney driver " O yung mga bababa, KANTO TINIO NA!!!
hehehe peace!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a lady in a bar walks toward the boy barista and puts her finger into the barman's mouth
barista: lustfully kisses and licks each finger
lady: Tell your manager der's mo more toilet paper at ladies C.R.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what is a shock?
shock is when a husband is having sex with her pregnant wife when suddenly, little hands grab his penis and said..."daddy huli ka!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 make 8 stand,
u wet it
2 make 8 wet,
u suck it
2 make 8 stiff,
u lick it
2 get it in,
u push it...
damn! threading a needle when u get older is NO JOKE! hehehehe
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
define "love"?
according to the nurses and medical staffs,
"Love is like an illness"
anyone who gets infected always ends up in bed hehehehe
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DIFFICULY REALITY:
"Waiting for the right 1 is never easy...
specially when the wrong 1 is so.... YUMMY!"
Kutow
Nagtanong ang teacher kay Juan
Teacher: anong hayop nagsisimula sa letter 'K'
Juan: Kuto po
Teacher: hindi!!! nagtatapos ito sa letter 'W'
Juan: ma'am alam ko nah po..kutow po
Teacher: hindi!!! pang lupa ito
Juan: ah alam ko na po..kutow lupa po
Teacher: hindi!!! may sungay ito
Juan: ahhh demonyong kutow!
Teacher: anong hayop nagsisimula sa letter 'K'
Juan: Kuto po
Teacher: hindi!!! nagtatapos ito sa letter 'W'
Juan: ma'am alam ko nah po..kutow po
Teacher: hindi!!! pang lupa ito
Juan: ah alam ko na po..kutow lupa po
Teacher: hindi!!! may sungay ito
Juan: ahhh demonyong kutow!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
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